The
stingy salesman, while on an out-of town sales trip,
sent his wife a cheque for a million kisses as an
anniversary present.
The wife was quite annoyed and sent back a postcard
"Dear
Dick, Thanks for the anniversary cheque. The milkman
cashed it for me just this morning."
|
Girl:
Do you love me?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No - mine is an undying love. |
|
"Why do you want next
Wednesday off, Car stairs?"
"I'm getting
married, sir."
"Getting married? Great Scott! What feeble-minded
girl would want to marry you?"
"Your daughter,
sir." |
|
A beautiful woman visited
a psychiatrist. "I know exactly what's bothering
you," he said. "It's a man, isn't it?" '
"Yes," she replied, "he insists on
kissing me every day of the week."
The psychiatrist recommended that she put her foot down
and refuse.
The next day she returned and said, "Now he insists
on hugging me."
Again she was told to refuse him.
On the third day she returned in an almost hysterical
state.
"What does he want now?" asked the
psychiatrist.
"It's terrible," sobbed the girl. "Now he
wants a divorce!" |
|
A couple in their sixties
had somehow managed to survive forty-five years of
married life filled with as much fighting as love. When
hubby came home from his office on his sixty-fifth
birthday, his wife lovingly presented him with two
beautiful ties.
He was so touched he said he would not let her cook
dinner, and that he'd take her out as soon as he had
time to clean up and change his shirt. It was a rare
moment of tenderness.
A few minutes later hubby came downstairs dressed for an
evening in the town and wearing one of his gift ties.
His wife stared at him for a moment before the force of
argumentative habit took command. "What's the
matter," she snarled, "the other one's no
good?" |
| An
American and a French bride were discussing love.
"A Frenchman is very subtle when it comes to
love," the French girl explained. "He begins
by kissing the fingertips, then he kisses the shoulder,
then the back of the neck...."
"Boy," the
little American bride interrupted, "by that time an
American husband is back from his honeymoon!"
|
An
attractive woman hurried into a psychiatrist's office.
"I'm in love with a wonderful man and he is in love
with me," she said. "Both our parents are
agreeable to the marriage and we feel certain that we
will be happy."
"Well," said the psychiatrist, "what's
your problem?"
"Oh, doctor," she moaned. "I just don't
know what to tell my husband." |
Without
you, everything is dark and dreary... the clouds gather
and the wind beats the rain... then comes the warm
sun... you are like a rainbow."
"Is this a proposal or a weather report?" |
| On
the fiftieth wedding anniversary, Henry Ford was asked
his formula for a successful married life.
He replied that it was
the same formula that made his car successful
`Stick to one model.'
|
| A
couple celebrating their twentieth anniversary were at
the movies watching one of those torrid foreign films.
When they got home that night, the wife turned to her
spouse and purred. "Why is it that you never make
love to me like all those men in the movies?"
"Are you
crazy?" he roared. "Do you know how much they
pay those fellows for doing that!"
|
The
henpecked husband, hospitalised for a minor illness, was
basking in the attention of nurses and was quite happy
when his date of discharge was postponed. It's this
conjunctivitis, he told his grim-looking wife. "The
doctors told me to nurse my eyes."
"Nurse your eyes!" she snorted. "Amend
that to eye the nurses." |
Conversation
between two young women:
Brian took me out to lunch for a salad. Then we shared a
bowl of yogurt after work. Now he wants me to come to
his place for steamed brinjal and lemon juice."
"If you don't like him, why don't you just tell him
no?" |
| Mummy,"
the little girl asked, "do all fairy tales begin
with Once upon a time'?" "No, dear," she
replied. "Sometimes they start with Darling, I'll
be working a little late at the office tonight." |
Harry
went to see his girlfriend Rita after a long absence.
As luck would have it, her little brother Emile was
seated in front of the television set watching his
favourite western. Annoyed by the little brat's
presence, Harry decided to use some child psychology on
him.
"Emile, " he suggested, "look outside the
window and for every man you see wearing a red
hat; I'll give you fifty cents."
"Sounds great,"
said Emile. Then he ran upstairs to look out of the
window.
Ten minutes later, while Harry and Rita were getting
reacquainted, Emile suddenly rushed into the room.
"Didn't I tell you
to watch for men with red hats?" shouted Harry.
"But I did,"
explained the boy, "and while you were talking to
my sister; a Shriners' parade passed by. At fifty cents
a head, you owe me twelve hundred dollars!" |
|
It so happened that
Tony's brother and girlfriend had their birthdays on the
same day, for his brother he bought a shotgun and for
his girlfriend a bottle of very expensive perfume, for
which he wrote a note saying 'Use this on yourself and
think of me.' Unfortunately, Tony put the note with the
wrong present.... |
A
New England youth went to see his girlfriend one night.
They sat in the parlour, with the firelight flickering
romantically over the girl's lovely face. Finally the
guy got up enough courage to ask, "Prudence, will
you marry me?"
"Yes, Eddie."
About an hour passed by in complete silence. Then
Prudence asked, "Eddie, why don't you say
something?"
The New England youth looked at her mournfully.
"Well," he said, "I think I've talked too
much already." |
The
old bachelor was smitten with Jane, an old maid. He
could never get up enough .courage to pop the question,
so he decided to do it by telephone. "Miss
Smith?" he inquired when he got her number.
"This is she speaking," was the reply.
"Will you, ah... er, marry me?" he stammered.
"Why, of course," replied Jane promptly.
"Who is this, please?" |
|
"My fiance and I
gave up studying the different ways of kissing."
"You did?"
"Yes. We exhausted the subject!" |
Look,
darling," he said to his fiance, "here's a
diamond engagement ring for you."
"Oh, it's beautiful!" she exclaimed.
"But, honey the diamond has a flaw in it!"
"You shouldn't notice that," he said.
"Why, you're in love, and you know what they
say-love is blind!"
"Blind, yes," she said, "but not stone
blind!" |
A
young woman walked into a Pittsburgh police station and
gave the desk sergeant a detailed description,of a man
who had dragged her by the hair down three flights of
stairs, threatened to choke her to death, and finally
beat her up.
"With that description we'll have him arrested and
put in jail in practically no time," said the desk
sergeant. .
"But I don't want you to arrest him," she
protested. "Just find him for me. He promised to
marry me." |
There
was once an American who fell in love with an apache
dancer in the Folies-Bergere. They returned to America
together, were married, and leased an apartment in New
York.
About a year later, two friends were discussing the
pair.
"Do you realise, " remarked the first man,
"that George has been married to that apache dancer
all this time and hasn't kissed her yet?"
"Is that a fact?" marvelled the second man.
"It sure is! George admitted it to me this morning
while we were going to work." "Well, what's
the matter with him? Doesn't he love her?"
"Oh, he loves her all right-he just hasn't been
able to catch her!" |
Johnnie
was a good dancer and used to visit `La Paris' almost
every night. One night he was introduced to an
exceptionally pretty girl. After the introduction was
over, he asked her, "Do you dance?"
"I love to," she answered. "Ah," he
said, "then let's LOVE." |
"Dammit,
daughter," exploded the father, "you can't
marry that young man. He doesn't make more than $ 100 a
month."
"Oh, but Daddy," pleaded the girl, "a
month flies by so fast when you're in love with each
other." |
Father:
When he proposed, didn't you ask him to see me?
Daughter: Yes, and he said he had seen you several
times, but that he loved me just the same. |
The
family doctor had been called in to have a look at his
patient, a friend and classmate, who at the age of
sixty-five had married a much younger wife. They were
just back from their honeymoon when the bride had to
call for the doctor. The maid admitted the physician and
after a cursory examination it was clear that the
patient was simply suffering on exhaustion.
As the doctor was repacking his bag, his friend's new
bride came into the room and they were introduced. She
was even younger than the doctor had realised, and much
more beautiful.
After the introductions were over, the old man asked
"Doc, what is it? Am I , overweight?"
"No, not overweight," replied the doctor,
glancing at the young bride, "overmatched!" |
Actress:
Darling, we'll have to postpone our marriage for a short
while.
Actor: But why? Don't you love me?
Actress: Certainly I do, darling. But I just married
another man. |
| The
jealous wife didn't trust her spouse one bit. The
slightest hair discovered on his coat would lead to the
most frightful scenes. One night, after finding nothing
at all, she burst into tears and wept, "And now
you're even going with bald women!" |
Sophie
Finstein confided in her girlfriend, "I've decided
to break off my engagement with Myron."
"W "My feelings for him have changed,"
Sophie replied.
The girlfriend pointed to Sophie's hand and remarked,
"But you're still wear in his diamond ring."
"My feelings towards the diamond ring haven't
changed," replied Sophie. |
On
the first night of their honeymoon, Eileen turned to
Patrick and said, "I'm afraid I have a confession
to make. Before we met, I used to be a topless
dancer."
Shocked, the Irishman replied, "Why, you might as
well have told me you were a whore."
She said, "Uh, there is one more thing I have to
confess...." |
O'
Riley walked into his bedroom to find his wife rolling
in the hay with another man. "What on earth is
going on? Who is this man?"
His wife thought for a moment, then said, "That's a
fair question." She turned to the guy and asked,
"What is your name?" |
It
was one of those marriages in name only and he decided
to try to make it up to her. "Let's have some fun
tonight, dear," he suggested.
"Okay," she said, "and please leave the
light on in the hallway if you get home before I
do."
Myron Perlman came home one night and presented his wife
with a diamond necklace for their anniversary. His wife
said, "It's beautiful, Myron, but I asked you for a
Mercedes."
"I know," her husband replied. "But I
don't know where to buy an imitation Mercedes." |
Why
did the man divorce his wife and get a dog?
The license was cheaper, the dog didn't have a mother,
and it already had a fur coat. |
The
blonde and brunette met downtown for lunch the week the
blonde returned from her honeymoon. "Weren't you
taking an awful chance in telling your husband all about
your past mistakes on the day you married him?"
asked the friend.
"I'll say I was," admitted the blonde.
"Some of them almost sobered him up." |
The
missus was angry when he came home.
"I saw you wink at that girl this morning."
"Something got in my eye."
"Something got in your car too." |
She lay in bed, blissfully
happy on the first morning of her long-dreamed-of
honeymoon, "Darling," she called as she heard
him puttering around in the bathroom. "Did you
brush your teeth yet?"
"Yes," he cooed. "And while I was at it I
brushed yours too." |
She: Don't you think we
should get married?
He: I'd love to, darling, but I won't be able to afford
a home for years and years.
She: Couldn't we go and live with your parents?
He: That's impossible. My parents are still living with
their parents. |
Your boyfriend stayed very
late last night, didn't he?"
"Yes, mother, did the noise disturb you?"
"No, but the periods of silence did."
|
|
